lost

today, i just miss this school friend of mine, like so much. she was my first ever love. i had a crush on her, when i was like in 8th. she was this punjabi girl, who was as thin as a lollypop, but is and was the most sweetest girl ever! she was one of the popular girls in my school and she still would talk to me so nicely.

well, she was the first girl, ever who i texted, otherwise it was always the other way around. she wasn’t well, stunning, but there was something about her, which i just couldn’t get over. i fell in love w her. i noticed her when she was like going down some stairs, and that was the beginning. All this is very vague in my mind, but it’s still somewhere in me.

so, like when we entered 9th, i was already crushing on this her. let’s call her B, because it’s just easy and i know she won’t read this, because well, no one knows i’ve a blog. so well, she is very pretty. and had eyes oh so beautiful! and is the first person, i ever wrote for.

so, like some of you may know, that i was really shy. so well, i just couldn’t gather courage to text her on facebook. because i was just too shy and nervous. but a friend of mine, told me that, she lost her mom, to cancer, while she was in 8th. now this thing, broke my heart and i just had to ask her, as to how is she. i still remember the opening. so, i wrote
Me – Oye?
B: What?
Me – Hii.
B: Haha. Hi.

so, i was like oh i made her laugh, and i was so happy haha. she was v witty. she while logging out, wrote “miss me, okay?” and as innocent i was, i wrote “yeah i’ll miss you”.
haha. she was checking, if im into her or not and i’m sure, she got a clue, because well, it’s easy, for anyone to know, that if the person likes you or not!

so, well i was really boring then and well, was not poetic or anything at all. but she still would talk to me. our chats would be just so boring at times, but still i would religiously talk to her everyday! there were days when i would pray for her happiness from my lord! i would pray that oh she smiled until forever! i really did!

so, this was like the beginning, of our journey! she was well, v rich. we would talk, every day at around 7. i would check at what time did she came online yesterday and wait for her. she send me a hi, just once. it was always me, which well, i guess, told a lot about my worth. so, like i was saying, she was v rich. so, at 7, while i would be having, biscuit and water, someday she would be eating grilled fish, or like tandoori or something just v fancy! i was like, do you live in a hotel or something?

anyway, so well, we would talk everyday, and so time passed and we started talking a lot. soon, she was sharing stuff w me. she also made a boyfriend who was a dick, which i well, knew from the beginning, but i never showed her, as to how jealous i was, because i was v! but never showed her! just kept on talking, because i knew, she would break up and well, she did.

anyway, so 10th came and well, i dont remember much, but something happened, such that i wrote a poem for her. it’s “First love”. so there’s an incident which i described there. and well, i didn’t tell her, i wrote a poem for until like the 12th. we were v close then and she was very stressed and so was i. anyway, the incident was that, it was like a friday,  and also we would talk a lot on like, chat but never in like public. so, yeah, like i was saying, it was a friday, and so we were wearing all colored uniforms, and i was like coming from somewhere and she was coming from somewhere, i don’t know, but when she saw me, she waved at me. at first, i thought she was saying hi to someone else, so i looked back and there was this guy who we all called venkat, and he saw her waving, so he was like confused haha, but then later i realized she was saying it to me, and i smiled and told her then, that night. i wanted to faint for she was like my crush and was saying hi to me, so yeah. i told her this and she laughed.

so, then came 11th. and she was to take biology. so, i wanted to end up in her class, so i took the same. and well, we ended up in the same. but i had to change to economics because of my fam, but we were still in the same class. so,yeah!

also, we had like a fight, in 10th for a reason, which i cant remember. she wouldn’t talk to me, and well, i had to make it upto her. so, i just decided to surprise her, by visiting her, at her place. it was a saturday. so, well i took my granndmother’s nokia and went to her place. she lived well, quite far, but i know i just had to. so, after reaching there w a chocolate, i was waiting for her, like just below her house. i called her up, and jbtw, her number was on my tips. anyway, so i called her up but she just wouldn’t pick up my call. i called like 6 times. she was going to kashmir on monday, so i figured she was packing. at first i thought of throwing a rock, at the window, but i thought this is no romeo juliet. :p
i’m just kidding. i dont know, why i didn’t, i just didn’t. instead i decided to knock on her door! and well, her dad opened. i was like fuckkkk. anyway, i said namaste and asked her if she’s there. and he called her out and i gave her the chocolate and said sorry, and i was like out. i ran because i was vv shy.

and now, slowly by the time, i was in 11th, the love was there, but not that ardent anymore, because i just never could gather courage, to tell her as to how i actually feel and that oh i love her like so much.

anyway, after which another girl entered my life, who was the demise of my innocence, if not all, it took a big part of it.

but i knew, B was very sad! for a lot of reasons! she really was! even tho i was depressed af, i decided to make her happy, by surprising her on her birthday! so, this was the first time, i was making like a card for someone. so, well i made it on like a big chart paper and it was quite big. it took me 3 to 4 days to make it. i showed my mom and sister, like the cover page and they liked it, so i was like happy. i also, photo copied a lot of pictures, that i collected from her, facebook. it was like i said, a very big card. and i also bought black forest which was her Favorite.

anyway, so her birthday came and well, i told her, i’d meet her, in the evening, and well, so i got dressed up and went to her place. i reached the place and saw two of her friends already there, and so well, i waited for them to leave. because i had the card and i just wanted it to be a surprise. so, well she knew, but she was texting me on facebook and i had like a nokia. anyway, so i didn’t get to celebrate her birthday. i saw her in a black dress, going out w her sister and her dad. i didn’t want to disturb them or like intervene in her family time, so i hid myself and waited for them to leave. after they left, i took the card and the cake, and decided to go home. it was rather a sad journey, i didn’t take any transport and decided to walk. i cried a bit, but i managed myself. i ofc didn’t tell her, i cried because of her, i said it’s fine. this was like on text later that night. i told her i saw her go and stuff. we anyway, decided to meet the the next day, in vasundhara, where i gave her the card and she cut the cake.

in 12th, i dont really think, we talked like a lot. just a lil. my love for her wasn’t there, because of the heartbreak. but i remember that it was her birthday like on a saturday and i chose not to go to school. i regret not going.i just couldn’t because i was just a mess then. i’m really sorry, B. i’m sorry!

anyway, so this pretty girl, has a big role in my life. she was my first love. my first person, who i like wrote a poem for. my first person, who i made a card for. and my first best friend. and she’ll always be the love of my life. i wish, i would have confessed when i was still in love. it would have been much better.

and well later when i did, it just wasn’t the same. i wanted her just as a friend. but i anyway, confessed. she told me, she knew already and i knew she did. but i dont think she ever liked me like that. i know she didn’t and that’s why, i guess, i never confessed.

we dont talk anymore. i’ve no idea, where she is. where ever you’re Bhumi, i wish you all the best! and i love you! and just take care!

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The Journey Begins. 

As I saw the night slowly dissolving in like the screams still unheard, to ears so human, triumph seemed a long way from there. As I saw them walking in worlds of their own, each one, w each step, never allowing themselves to saturate, as I see them, sparkling away, their life to only to brighten it even more. I was lying on my back, laying down, w the first light, as I felt the sun slowly scratching away my skin, as I slowly felt the sensation, everywhere at once.
My home consisted of a cardboard mat, w places very variable. As I got up from my bed, saw the summer sun, shining brightly, w a bright blue sky. I felt myself, getting lost in the vast sky, whose reaches were in all directions w no limitations whatsoever, only get disrupted w hunger. I started to walk across the footpath, amidst people of class, walking elegantly, over my foot, not bothering to apologize. ‘See where you go’ I said. The man in a black suit replied ‘ How dare you say that to me. Do you want me to get you arrested?’ His voice faded as I slowly walked away. To a thought I started to remember.